Blaming Sex On Hand Dryers
by pinstripesandconverse
Summary: Valentine's Fic. The Doctor takes the Ponds and River to a posh restaurant for Valentine's Day.


**Valentine's Fic. I wrote this on Valentine's Day but ****I had some areas that needed slight adjustments, hense why you're getting it now. I hope you're still in the mood for it. Enjoy :)**

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><p>The Doctor sat on his swing under the TARDIS console readjusting the wiring. He was trying to make redecorate his room so he could have a bunkbed instead of the wooden four poster bed, but the TARDIS was just not obliging. He huffed and dragged his work goggles off before throwing them to the floor. Just then, he heard footsteps coming down the stairs and Amy appeared, swinging on the railings.<p>

"Someone's in a mood!" she stated.

"Yes I am actually Pond because this TARDIS won't do as it's told!" he shouted as the TARDIS gave a groan.

"Well maybe she just doesn't like you fiddling with her?" Amy suggested.

"She used to. She used to let me have a bunkbed in my room anytime she wanted before..." he trailed off.

"Before?" Amy frowned.

"Before," he snapped looking at the redhead, "_your_ daughter! She likes River way more than me!"

Amy chuckled, "Anyway Doctor, me and Rory were wondering if you'd be able to drop us off at a restaurant tonight, you know all the best places."

It was only then when the Doctor realised what Amy was wearing.

"Why are you wearing a dress Pond?"

"Because we're going out," she said, stating the obvious.

"But why _today_? You can go out any time you like and you don't normally wear anything as expensive or nice looking as that."

"Thank you," Amy replied as the Doctor had given her a sort of compliment, "and because it's Valentine's Day."

"Valentine's Day?" the Doctor questioned.

"_What?_" Amy laughed, "You don't know what Valentine's day is?"

"Of course I know what it is Pond, but I just didn't realise it was today." He replied.

"Well it might not be, technically speaking, but it has been 365 days since me and Rory celebrated it making today our Valentine's Day." Amy explained.

"That's nice, but if you two are off doing Valentiney things what am I meant to do?" he questioned, pouting.

"Well I don't know, maybe you could go on a Valentine's date yourself?"

"With _who_?" he frowned.

"River!" Amy exclaimed. For a genius, sometimes he could be so thick.

"Oh yes!" his face lit up, "Because she's my w_ife_!"

"Well done Sherlock," Amy said flatly.

The Doctor glared at her before jumping off his swing and bouncing up the stairs and dashing around the console, grabbing the phone. He was silent for about three seconds before he shouted down the phone: "Get yourself here right now River Song because we're going on a date!"

River had arrived seconds after the Doctor had called and after giving her husband a quick kiss on the lips, she had disappeared into the TARDIS wardrobe to get ready. Rory and Amy agreed to let River and the Doctor go to the same restaurant as them; Amy because she wanted to see more of her daughter and Rory then he could check up on the couple and make sure they weren't doing anything inappropriate.

Half an hour later, River descended the stairs wearing a flowing TARDIS blue dress with a plunging neckline with TARDIS blue high heels and a TARDIS blue bag. The Doctor gaped in awe at his beautiful wife. Whatever had he done to get a woman as perfect as River Song?

"The TARDIS helped me choose," River smiled as she walked over to the Doctor, Amy and Rory.

"I can see that," the Doctor replied with a grin. His eyes took in every aspect of her, but did seem to _linger_ in a certain place. River raised a brow at him before offering him her hand.

"Shall we Doctor?" she asked him.

"We shall, River," he said, taking her hand and interlocking his fingers with hers.

Amy and Rory walked out of the TARDIS shortly followed by their daughter and the Doctor into a huge, glamorous restaurant with chandeliers hanging from the high ceiling. There were marble pillars at the edges of the rooms and large winding staircases heading to the kitchens. All the waiters were wearing black tuxedos, rather like the one the Doctor had made the effort to put on, and black bowties which pleased the Doctor quite a lot. After giving a waiter the booking details, the two couples were ushered to two tables near each other, with two tables in between them.

"This is amazing sweetie, how did you manage to book this in such a short space of time?" River questioned, after they had sat down and ordered their meals

"I may have took a short trip to about a month ago and booked it whilst you were getting ready," the Doctor replied smiling.

River smiled back before saying: "Isn't it going to be a bit awkward with my parents over there?"

"Nah," the Doctor replied, "It's not like we're going to be doing anything inappropriate, we can't even kiss properly because of all this," he said, indicating the plates, candles and flowers which sat on the table between them.

"Cheeky," River winked before reaching out and grabbing the Doctor's hand which lay on the table.

The couple sat there stroking each other's hands with their thumbs and gazing into each other's eyes lovingly until their meals came.

After the delicious meal, the Doctor and River returned to holding hands, before River put her hands on the Doctor's knees under the table.

"Er River..." the Doctor asked.

"Yes sweetie?" she spoke, innocently.

"What are you doing?"

River smile before stroking her hands further up the Doctor's thighs which made him become very flustered.

"River I-" He stopped as her felt one of River's hands touch his crotch.

He quickly reached his hands under the table to grab River's.

"River," he whispered, "That is not an appropriate thing to be doing in a restaurant."

River yanked her hands away from his and the Doctor hissed as she pushed her hands further up his legs once more.

Meanwhile, Rory eyed the pair suspiciously from his table.

"What are they doing?" he asked his wife, bending his neck to get a better view.

Amy glanced over at her best friend and her daughter and smiled.

"Oh Rory, stop staring, they're just holding hands under the table, there's nothing wrong with that!" the redhead chuckled.

"Hmm," Rory said, unconvinced, but got distracted when the dessert menu arrived.

The Doctor, on the other hand, could not be distracted from what River was doing to him right now as her nails scratched his legs, getting ever closer to his most sensitive area.

"River stop, please I can't-" the Doctor choked.

"Ok sweetie," River said as she moved her hands away from the Doctor's legs and he could breathe a sigh of relief.

But before he knew what was happening, River grabbed his hands and guided them up her dress and onto the bear skin of her legs. He tried to pull them away, but River kept them there, at the top of her thighs.

"What's wrong sweetie?" River asked, batting her eyelids.

"Wrong? Well nothing's _wrong_ but we can't do this here!" the Doctor said, eyebrows raised.

"Why not?"

"Because there are _people _River and not to mention your parents over there!"

"Don't you want me then?" she spoke, trying to sound upset.

"Of course I do!" he replied, "I always want you, but not here in front of everyone.

River cunningly dragged on of the Doctor's hands even higher up her thigh until- "River, you're not wearing any underwear!" the Doctor breathed out.

"Toilets. You, me. Now." River commanded.

He obliged by standing up and walking in the direction of the toilets. He needed her now, and the fact he knew that she wasn't wearing any underwear had changed everything and he knew it would be impossible to get through the rest of the date without taking her.

River stood up from the table a few minutes later to follow the Doctor, but bumped into her father who was standing behind her.

"And where are you going young lady?" Rory asked.

"Toilets." She stated simply.

"At the same time as the Doctor?" he asked raising a brow.

"Yes, must have been something in the wine," River said hurriedly before rushing off towards the toilets after her husband.

She saw him leaning against the wall outside the gents.

"Sorry about the delay sweetie," she said, taking his hand.

"River, we can't do it in the toilets, you should see the number of people who go in and out of there!" the Doctor exclaimed.

Annoyed, River looked around for another option until her eyes landed on a door at the end of the corridor. She ran towards it taking the Doctor with her. She pushed the door and to her delight found that it was unlocked.

"Sweetie, in here," she whispered, dragging the Doctor through the door and into what she assumed was a cleaning cupboard where they stored all the restaurants cleaning implements.

"River, if we get caught..." the Doctor said as River dragged his head towards her.

Their lips met and their tongues found each other tremendously quickly, and their teeth scraped against lips until they could taste blood. They had no time for slow passionate kisses. In one smooth, practiced movement, the Doctor whipped River's dress over her head and dumped it on the floor before moving his lips to her collar bone and neck, biting and sucking at her before running his tongue over the red skin. He lifted her up by the waist and she wrapped her legs around his torso as he squeezed her breast through her lacy black bra. River reached her hands between their two bodies and undid the fly on the Doctor's pants and dragged them and his boxers down far enough before taking him into her palm. The Doctor thrusted with his hips and bent down to kiss River hard on the lips as she guided him into her. He drove into her hard as she bucked her hips and they both cried out. Keeping the fast pace, the Doctor slipped his other hand between their bodies to press and twist her clit to help her along faster which made River whimper and grab tufts of the Doctor's hair. The Doctor's quick, hard thrusts became jagged and uneven and they both knew they were near their finish. With one more hard thrust, River came, screaming so the Doctor pressed his mouth against hers to muffle the cries. The Doctor could hold on no longer with her walls shaking all around him, so he spilled into her with a shout before his legs gave way and they toppled to the floor in a heap. After their breathing returned to normal, the Doctor slid out of her slowly and redressed himself before grabbing River's dress off the floor and helping her into it. He kissed her hair before whispering a thank you and walking out of the cupboard, knowing she would follow soon, so as to not raise suspicion.

Back in the restaurant Amy and Rory were paying their bill with the psychic credit card the Doctor had given them a while back, when the Doctor and River arrived one after the other looking rather flustered with crumpled clothes and messy hair. When River sat down opposite the Doctor, he leaned over the table and planted a quick kiss on her lips.

"Amy!" Rory said angrily, "Look at them and tell me you're not thinking what I'm thinking."

After watching the couple for a while Amy replied: "Hmm yeah it does look a bit suspicious."

"Right that's it," Rory declared, "I'm going to find out what's going on."

But before he could get up from the table, Amy grabbed his arm.

"Rory wait, we can just ask them in the TARDIS, look they're paying their bill."

Reluctantly, Rory agreed but kept his eyes peeled looking out for trouble while the other couple got ready to leave.

Five minutes later, the Doctor and River walked over to Amy and Rory's table.

"You ready?" asked River politely and Amy smiled back, standing up from the table.

Rory stood up slowly, frowning at the visible red marks on River's neck. They walked back to the TARDIS together and Rory eyed the Doctor as he slipped his arm around River's waist and was particularly furious when he noticed the Doctor's hand slide down to lie flat on his daughter's bum and then travel back to grip her waist- even harder than he was gripping it before, noticed Rory.

When they were back in the TARDIS, the Doctor sent them spinning off into the vortex, his arm never leaving River's waist. As soon as this task was completed, River and the Doctor made their way over to the TARDIS stairs and River shouted goodnight to her parents over her shoulder. Rory, however, stopped them from going any further.

"Stop right there you two!" demanded Rory.

The couple groaned and turned around to face River's parents.

"Dad, no we're busy!" River protested.

"Well I'm afraid it's going to have to wait." He said sternly, "I'd like to know what you two were up to in that restaurant."  
>"Eating?" supplied the Doctor. River smirked.<p>

"No, well yes but when you both went to the toilet." Rory replied.

"At the same time," Amy inputted.

The Doctor glanced down at River for a brief second and pulled her into him even more if that was possible.

"Well it's hardly our fault is it?" said River, annoyed.

Amy perked up, "You both came back with crumpled clothes and messy hair. We, River, as your parents would like to know why."

"It was the hand dryers," the Doctor said. River choked.

"The _hand dryers_?" said Rory.

"Yeah, they were a _nightmare_!" exclaimed River, really trying not to laugh.

"They think it's better having these modern hand dryers," the Doctor carried on, "They blow your hair and clothes everywhere and they're actually less hygienic because they-"

"Ok let's cut the crap," Amy spoke, slightly annoyed, "We know what really happened in there, and I feel so sorry for anyone else in the toilets at that time."

"No no, we didn't do it in the toilets," the Doctor began, "River found us a cupboard instead."

"WHAT?!" Rory shouted as River elbowed her husband in the ribs.

The Doctor looked from Amy to River, to Rory and back to River again.

"That didn't help did it River?" he asked her.

"No sweetie it didn't," she replied, looking anywhere but her father's eyes.

The Doctor could see the rage building up inside Rory so he pulled River into him so she was facing away from her parents and their bodies were touching even more. River reached her hands around the Doctor's neck and the Doctor placed his hands on the small of River's back.

"Take your hands off my daughter," Rory spoke fiercely.

"What?" the Doctor asked, tightening his grip on his wife.

"I SAID TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MY DAUGHTER!" Rory shouted, lunging for the pair.

"Rory no!" Amy shouted, but the Doctor spun them around so River was behind him, away from Rory.

Amy pulled Rory back, calming him while River faced her parents again and wrapped her arms around the Doctor's torso.

"Dad, I know you want to protect me, but you have no right to tell my husband to let go of me!" River declared.

"Yes I do, he- he just banged you in a cupboard at a restaurant. I have every right!" Rory shot back.

"So?" the Doctor asked, "We're married and if River wants me to do that to her then I can!" he nodded his head once.

"And anyway dad, you're acting as if you didn't know we were doing it before we were married!"

Rory's eyes opened wider.

"W-we didn't," stammered the Doctor, "She's joking!"

Rory took a step towards the Doctor and pointed a finger at him.

"You had sex with my daughter before you were married!" he said angrily.

The Doctor was fed up with Rory. He was extremely over protective of his daughter when the time called for it. He acted as if the Doctor was always in the wrong whenever he did anything with his own wife and he was sick of it.

"I had sex with your daughter before you even knew she was your daughter," the Doctor stated simply, "And there is nothing you can do to stop me having sex with her as many times as I want."

This made River smile and look up at him as he never normally stood up to Rory like that. The Doctor lifted River up off her feet and she let out a little scream before wrapping her arms around his neck. He bent down to kiss her for a moment before spinning her around and whisking her up the stairs and off down the corridor to his bedroom. A few moments later and Amy and Rory heard a squeal and a door slam in the distance. They stood there in silence for a minute before Amy patted Rory on the back.

"It was worth a try," she said before she whipped her hair and walked off towards her own bedroom.

Rory was left there alone, stunned.

The Doctor slammed the door to his bedroom and walked into the en suite, still carrying his wife.

"We, Mrs Song are going to get in this shower big enough for two where I will make love to you before taking you over to my bed and making love to you as many times as I want to," the Doctor said, pulling off River's dress.

She laughed. "You're very upfront aren't you?" she winked, undoing the Doctor's bowtie.

"Well I just want to prove that I can do whatever I want to with my very own beautiful wife," he smiled, stroking her nose.

"No complaints from me," River flirted back.

After taking a few minutes undressing each other, the Doctor carried River into the shower and turned the water on hot. He placed her down carefully on the wet floor and wrapped his arms around her waist, dragging her body into his. Their lips met and they kissed passionately and slowly, River humming into the Doctor's mouth. Continuing kissing, the Doctor reached his hand between their warm wet bodies and slipped two fingers inside River, causing her to moan. The pace of their kissing increased rapidly as the Doctor drove his fingers in and out of her harder. The Doctor backed River up against the shower wall and she lifted her leg up and snaked it around the top of his thighs, allowing him to drive his fingers into her deeper. She moaned loudly and her hands grabbed his wet hair that was plastered against his face as he pumped his fingers inside her with expertise. All of a sudden, River felt a certain thumb press her clit and she bit down hard on the Doctor's shoulder. She felt his fingers curl within her and it was like he was _trying_ to reach his thumb on her clit from within her body. With one last hard pump of the Doctor's fingers, River came with a shout in the Doctor's palm.

The Doctor withdrew his fingers from River and unhooked her leg from his hip. He held her quaking form and walked them back under the hot water before picking up some shampoo and squirting it on River's hair. He massaged it through her curls, tugging her hair a bit as he went. The Doctor then washed it and then kissed the top of her head. Having recovered, River looked up into the Doctor's eyes before standing on tiptoes to kiss him gently. Their lips moved slowly and passionately together and the Doctor's hand moved down to River's bum, pulling her flush against him. He grabbed one of River's toned legs and brought it up to wrap around his waist before backing her against the wall and sliding into her slowly, filling her completely. A moan escaped his throat as he thrust into her, slow at first but gradually getting faster. River cried out and pressed her lips against the Doctor's as she rocked her hips forward and lifted her leg even higher up his body allowing him to deepen his thrusts. The pace had become extremely fast now and the Doctor and River were both finding it difficult to breathe, but the Doctor carried on driving into her as he knew they both needed this more than oxygen. Finally, River came screaming the Doctor's name and he followed shortly behind, shouting hers. Somehow, the Doctor stopped his legs from giving way so he slid out of River and pressed his body up to hers, panting.

After they had recovered, the pair stepped out of the shower and dried each other, definitely _not _letting their hands linger in any particular areas. The Doctor then scooped River up into his arms and walked over to their bed before throwing her down on it while she laughed. He jumped onto the bed and landed next to her, reaching over and kissing her softly on the lips. River shuffled over to the Doctor and placed her head on his chest while he grabbed some of her wet curls and twisted them around his fingers.

"My my, someone's been very controlling tonight," River joked.

"If you don't like it, I can always stop," the Doctor replied.

"I'm not saying I don't like it sweetie."

"Oh what a surprise!" the Doctor chuckled.

"Shut up you or I won't let you lead ever again," threatened River.

"We all know that's not true, you would never sacrifice such a thing," he said, tapping her nose slightly.

"The cheek!"

"Are you ready for round 2, River?"

"Technically sweetie, round 2 was when you fingered me in the shower," River smiled up at her husband.

"But you're still ready?" the Doctor asked hopefully.

"Sweetie, you've worn me out tonight! How much energy do you think I have!"

"Aw River, _please_!" the Doctor said pouting.

"Nope, sorry sweetie, you'll have to be patient and wait for tomorrow night," she said as she tapped his leg.

The Doctor reached behind his pillow and produced a pair of handcuffs.

"What about if I let you use these on me?" he smiled, dangling them in front of River's face.

River paused for a minute before grabbing the handcuffs.

"Maybe I'm not as tired as I thought I was," she laughed, and the next thing he knew, the Doctor was restrained to the headboard.

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><p><strong>Please review <strong>


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